In a recent D&D game I am playing with friends, I chose to give a new character an unusual and difficult background (raised in the Underdark), summed up by the phrase “Mabaj Nujol.” It’s a rough internet translation of Tolkien’s Black Speech, effectively literally meaning “I am Counting Scars.” In my personal cannon, it’s a multifaceted phrase, meaning something like “I am sad,” or “I am hurting,” but also “I will live through this.”

As we move through these days in our real world, I have seen unprecedented pain. A global viral pandemic has killed my friends’ relatives, shuttered us all away from one another. What should be institutions in which we place trust for our protection have abused their power and taken lives, furthering an authoritarian police state which does us as citizens harm. All my friends are hurting, especially those who are people of color in the wake of the latest racist aggressions made against their communities. I have seen the wicked actions of those who would separate us by petty differences of appearance, inciting hatred against their brother humans. I have seen supposedly wise men fall prey to these words and deeds, choosing to believe obvious lies or spinning them into personal agendas, willfully ignorant of others. And I have seen people I trust remain silent to utter the words “Black Lives Matter”, the unspoken words the harshest of betrayals. I cannot look at any of the sources for information I receive about the outside world without seeing so much hate, so much violence, and so much pain.

So Mabaj Nujol. Today we are all counting scars.